Malaise

I never considered myself susceptible to seasonal affect disorder. Normally the months switch, the weather changes and the days expand or contract with little more impact than an increase in my allergies. But for some reason this year has been different.

I wouldn't say that the shorter days made me sad or depressed. Actually I don't mind a shift in emotion every now and then because I think it's the sum of highs and lows that make life richer. What took hold of me this new year was neither great or small, dark or light or otherwise polar in any way.

For three months I have been gripped by a feeling of nothing. My interest wasn't captured by a thing and doing anything outside of my day to day work proved virtually impossible. Actually, I avoided everything that seemed challenging while I got too cozy with my Netflix queue.

Looking back, I suppose there are several factors that could have caused this year's seasonal shift. A particularly difficult end to the work year, an overly taxing holiday season and an ambiguous future among other things definitely contributed. Whatever it was, I have knowingly struggled to end my funk for weeks.

So why am I telling you about this? Because today is likely the first day in quite some time that I have felt like experiencing new things and otherwise living the life I have lived until this winter in New York. Also, I feel a little guilty that it has been too long since I have contributed to GUTSY and I want to explain where I have been.

What caused this recent change? Again I can't say for sure. There remain many challenges and obstacles near and far but those don't seem paralyzing. My level of curiosity has gone up but that is more of a symptom than a contributing factor. No matter, I'm just happy that my ears, eyes and mind are firing once again.